So, it’s official. The Xfinity Series, NASCAR’s second-tier stock car slugfest—where teenagers, part-timers, and Cup drivers on ego trips collide like beer cans at a Talladega tailgate—is about to become an orphan.
Xfinity, the internet company best known for not working when the race does, is pulling the plug. Which means come next season, this series will be about as well-funded as your cousin’s dirt track Camaro that hasn’t had an oil change since Bush was president. The first Bush.
But fear not, because in America, when one corporate door closes, another flies open—usually off its hinges, and usually into a crowd. And so now NASCAR must find a new sponsor to plaster across the hood of a racing series that’s basically the minor leagues, but with more crashes and better mullets.
Here are a few humble suggestions (which might have been influenced by two glasses of scotch):
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The Waffle House Late Shift Series
Because nothing says “stock car racing under the lights” like hashbrowns smothered, covered, and chunked at 2 a.m.
Tagline: “Scattered, smothered, and sliding sideways.”
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The Flex Seal 3000 Series
Every time a car hits the wall, just slap on some Flex Tape on it and send it back out.
Tagline: “We sawed this Camaro in half—and it still won at Talladega!”
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The Monster Energy Junior Monster Series
Because Monster Energy just feels like it belongs at a racetrack… especially when it’s being consumed by a 19-year-old making his 5th career start.
Tagline: “More horsepower. More caffeine. Less attention span.”
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The Buc-ee’s Beaverspeed Series
Big beaver. Big brisket. Bigger burnout.
Tagline: “America’s fastest bathrooms, now America’s fastest cars.”
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Dollar General Speedsaver Series
For the drivers who are fast, use a lot of duct tape, and where everything costs a $1
Tagline: “Where the cars are fast, and the budget is… theoretical.”
Fine Print: Tires not included. Neither is lunch
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Lunchables Stack Attack Series
A hearty blend of snacks just like mom sent you to school with, and double-file restarts.
Tagline: “Snack. Race. Repeat”
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The TikTok TurnLeft Series
Every race is a 15-second vertical video with an EDM soundtrack and zero context.
Tagline: “Watch us crash for clout.”
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The Amazon Prime Overnight Series
Drivers guaranteed to arrive at the finish line within two days. Or less.
Tagline: “Same-day delivery of victory. Mostly”
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The Spirit Airlines Buck Wild Series
You only get one carry-on and you have to pay extra for tires.
Tagline: “No refunds. No rules. Just turbulence.”
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The OnlyFans Pole Position Series
Because someone’s gotta fund those restrictor plates.
Tagline: “Fast laps and side hustles.”
Greg is the author of "The Nuts and Bolts of NASCAR: The Definitive Viewers' Guide to Big-Time Stock Car Auto Racing" and has been published in major publications across the country including the Los Angeles Times, the Cleveland Plain Dealer and the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He was also a contributor to Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul, published in 2010, and the Christmas edition in 2016. He wrote as the NASCAR, Formula 1, Auto Reviews and National Veterans Affairs Examiner for Examiner.com and has appeared on Fox News. He holds a BS degree in communications, a Masters degree in psychology and is currently a PhD candidate majoring in psychology. He is currently the weekend Motorsports Editor for Autoweek.