Monster Energy stages early morning raid on NASCAR headquarters in Daytona (satire)

Tuesday's raid was led by several Monster Energy girls.
Tuesday's raid was led by several Monster Energy girls.
Tuesday’s raid was led by several Monster Energy girls.

Monster Energy Drink executives staged a daylight raid on the new multimillion dollar International Speedway Corporation headquarters in Daytona Beach Florida Tuesday morning. The executives gained entry into the building after sending in a “platoon” of Monster Energy girls who began to flirt and distracted the guards.

With shouts of “Yo dudes!” and riding BMX bikes, the execs began handing out Monster Energy drinks, and soon the ISC personnel sat around in a stupor.

“Frankly we were all sort of buzzing,” said one NASCAR employee who asked to remain anonymous because he couldn’t remember his actual name.

Monster Energy will take over as the entitlement sponsor for NASCAR’s top series starting January 1.

The company issued a statement shortly after saying they would not be issuing a statement.

The intent of Tuesday’s takeover was apparently for Monster to put their “stamp” on the sport.  Behind the new ISC building, at the construction site of “One Daytona ” project,   a retail and entertainment complex, construction workers could be seen running from the scene while being chased by a Monster truck.  Within an hour the site had been turned into a large motocross track. A large sign that read “New Home of the X-Games” was hung.

NASCAR and ISC executives, found sitting around in camp chairs in back of the building watching motocross riders “shred” the new course,  seemed okay with the takeover.

“Dude,” NASCAR CEO Brian France said. “Listen to that brraaap! Check out them dudes skimming cross them whoops!”

“Um, yeah,” NASCAR President Mike Helton clad in a Monster Energy “wife-beater” shirt and bike shorts added. “What he said.”

Monster Energy star Ken Block, who was leading the takeover was just as enthusiastic.

“Drifting!” he shouted over the din, urr “brraaap” of the motocross bikes. “Can’t wait to see Dale Jr. drifting through the corners at Daytona!”

When pressed, Block added:  “Oh yeah man, the NASCAR rules are changing!  The cars will be drifting through the turns now! It will be EPIC!”

NASCAR Cup race director David Hoots, clad in nothing but black Speedos and surrounded by the platoon of Monster Energy girls, sat nearby atop a pile of empty Monster Energy drink cans.

“Put it out,” he mumbled pulling one of the girls onto his lap. “We need to put it out.”

About Greg Engle 7421 Articles
Greg is a published award winning sportswriter who spent 23 years combined active and active reserve military service, much of that in and around the Special Operations community. Greg is the author of "The Nuts and Bolts of NASCAR: The Definitive Viewers' Guide to Big-Time Stock Car Auto Racing" and has been published in major publications across the country including the Los Angeles Times, the Cleveland Plain Dealer and the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He was also a contributor to Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul, published in 2010, and the Christmas edition in 2016. He wrote as the NASCAR, Formula 1, Auto Reviews and National Veterans Affairs Examiner for and has appeared on Fox News. He holds a BS degree in communications, a Masters degree in psychology and is currently a PhD candidate majoring in psychology. He is currently the weekend Motorsports Editor for Autoweek.