Ryan Blaney, 2023 Cup Series champ, beloved meme king, and fully grown man who collects action figures unironically, showed up to the track this week in something no one saw coming: a hat. Not a sponsor hat. Not a vintage throwback cap. No, this was a weird hat — wide-brimmed, tan, and hauntingly neutral.
To the untrained eye, it may have looked like an REI purchase made by a man having a quarter-life crisis in an Airstream. But to those who know NASCAR’s secret layers — what some call the Deep Garage — this was a transmission louder than a straight-piped Camaro in a library.
“This is how it starts,” whispered a retired tire carrier known only as ClutchDaddy47. “First it’s a hat. Then it’s obscure Instagram posts. Next thing you know, he’s speaking in metaphors about Goodyears and slipping coded messages into post-race interviews.”
Conspiracy theorists are all-in. One Reddit thread titled “RYAN BLAKEY HAT DECODES TO ‘DOVER IN DANGER’” has over 18,000 upvotes and includes a fully animated GIF connecting the hat’s stitching pattern to ancient Speedway seating charts. Another claims it aligns perfectly with Jeff Gordon’s mole pattern from 2001.
Roger Penske, Blaney’s boss and proud owner of every building with a glossy floor in America, reportedly just blinked slowly when shown the hat. “We give them liberty,” he said, sipping jet fuel from a titanium mug. “And they wear things like this.”
Blaney fans, naturally, are spiraling. Some love it:
“He’s evolved beyond man — this is trackside fashion renaissance.”
Others are scared:
“Is he doing this ironically or has he started a YouTube channel about solar power?”
But in the deepest corners of the garage, where old crew chiefs speak in whispers and Matt Kenseth quietly judges from the shadows, the belief is clear: Blaney is sending a message. A signal. A warning.
What does it mean?
We don’t know.
But the hat does.
Satire from NASCARGASM.COM
Greg is the author of "The Nuts and Bolts of NASCAR: The Definitive Viewers' Guide to Big-Time Stock Car Auto Racing" and has been published in major publications across the country including the Los Angeles Times, the Cleveland Plain Dealer and the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He was also a contributor to Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul, published in 2010, and the Christmas edition in 2016. He wrote as the NASCAR, Formula 1, Auto Reviews and National Veterans Affairs Examiner for Examiner.com and has appeared on Fox News. He holds a BS degree in communications, a Masters degree in psychology and is currently a PhD candidate majoring in psychology. He is currently the weekend Motorsports Editor for Autoweek.