In what initially appeared to be a heartwarming comeback straight out of a fanfiction forum and a Monster Energy fever dream, NASCAR fans were left stunned and slightly betrayed after learning that Kasey Kahne—one of the sport’s 75 Greatest Drivers—had not, in fact, made a triumphant return to the track last weekend. The No. 33 car at Rockingham Speedway was instead piloted by an AI-generated Kahne avatar powered by NVIDIA, expired AMP Energy and late-2000s YouTube highlight reels.
“I was in tears during driver intros,” said lifelong fan Trisha McDaniel, wearing a sun-faded Evernham jacket. “Then I started to think—Kasey didn’t blink once during the national anthem. And when he waved to the crowd, his arm kept going for like four minutes. That’s when I knew.”
The deception unraveled post-race when the AI Kahne—who finished a respectable but suspiciously smooth 14th—attempted a post-race interview and began buffering mid-sentence.
“We gave it 110 percent today and the—error 404—handling was real good through three and four… uploading charm.exe…”
Team members tried to distract fans with free koozies while quietly ushering the bot back into a trailer marked “Property of Meta/HendrickAI Labs.”
Developed under the codename “Project Enumcloud,” the digital Kahne was a secret collaboration between iRacing, DARPA, and whatever’s left of MySpace. The idea: determine whether deploying a digitally flawless version of a retired heartthrob could spike viewership, confuse fans, and potentially distract from whatever Sheldon Creed was about to do.
“We trained the AI on thousands of hours of in-car audio, fan Tumblr accounts, and 2005 Busch Series race broadcasts,” said lead developer Troy Dangle. “The toughest part was calibrating the hair. Even our rendering engines couldn’t handle that level of effortless swoop.”
Despite not cracking the top 10, the AI Kahne drew admiration from several Xfinity regulars.
“He passed me in turn 2, smiled through the visor, and for a moment… I swear he looked into my soul,” said Sam Mayer, still visibly shaken. “I’ve never felt so both passed and understood.”
Meanwhile, Chandler Smith was less impressed. “He brake-checked me like a dad parking a Buick,” Smith said. “Honestly, if that’s AI, we’re fine.”
Fans took to social media in a mix of wonder and existential dread.
“Just realized I got an autograph from a hologram,” tweeted @Evernham4Life. “Do I frame it or burn it before it gains sentience?”
“Wait—so you’re telling me the guy signing autographs at the hauler was just a hologram?” tweeted @CaseyFan89. “Then who did I give my Time Magazine: Hottest Drivers of 2005 issue to??”
The real Kasey Kahne, who was reportedly at a dirt track in Iowa eating a turkey leg and living his best life, responded via text:
“Wait, what now?”
In a statement released Tuesday, NASCAR acknowledged the experiment but defended the move:
“NASCAR is always looking toward the future while honoring our past. The use of artificial drivers allows us to explore new markets, reduce helmet hair incidents, and avoid awkward driver feuds. We assure fans that all AI-generated drivers meet our strict ethical standards and can legally shotgun a beer.”
While NASCAR has declined to comment on further AI development, garage insiders say similar digital projects are underway, including an algorithmically optimized version of Carl Edwards that backflips without landing injuries and a virtual Clint Bowyer that only tells the clean jokes.
Satire from NASCARGASM.COM
Greg is the author of "The Nuts and Bolts of NASCAR: The Definitive Viewers' Guide to Big-Time Stock Car Auto Racing" and has been published in major publications across the country including the Los Angeles Times, the Cleveland Plain Dealer and the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He was also a contributor to Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul, published in 2010, and the Christmas edition in 2016. He wrote as the NASCAR, Formula 1, Auto Reviews and National Veterans Affairs Examiner for Examiner.com and has appeared on Fox News. He holds a BS degree in communications, a Masters degree in psychology and is currently a PhD candidate majoring in psychology. He is currently the weekend Motorsports Editor for Autoweek.